Skinny

Before you express jealousy of my body, first consider why I might be skinny. 

Could it be the stomach ulcers and hiatal hernia? Could it be the food intolerances and allergies? Could it be the daily nausea? Could it be the SIBO, IBS, and GERD? Could it be the depression keeping me from being able to meal prep for myself? Could it be the anxiety keeping me from having an appetite? Could it be that I forget to eat? Could it be that I don’t have the mental wherewithal to cook? Could it be that I’m using food to try to change the way I feel? Could it be that I feel like I don’t deserve food? Could it be that I feel sick every time I eat? Could it be the trauma that has conditioned my nervous system to shut off functions like digestion? Could it be that I feel full after a few bites? Could it be that I don’t retain calories? Could it be the bile reflux and acid reflux? Could it be the painful cramps because I’m a woman? 

It is all of it. 

My stomach may be flat, but it isn’t happy. It’s empty. 

I can feel my heartbeat piercing through my abdomen, my ribs protruding out, the indentation in my waistline increasing by the day. 

Men like my love handles, but I think my handles need more love. Love in the form of food would be great. I take 6 pills a day for my stomach, supplements, baking soda water, apple cider vinegar, Pepcid, and TUMS. I’ve had my gall bladder removed, tubes down my throat and up my butt. I’ve gone gluten-free, dairy-free, caffeine-free, low FODMAP, alkaline, and sober. I’ve cut out so many foods and drinks I love. I watch people eat what I can’t have. I smell food I wish I could taste and cry. It’s isolating not being able to enjoy what others at the table are eating. I already feel isolated enough. I can never again have so many of my favorite things. 

Be grateful you can eat. Be grateful you feel okay. Be grateful for the belly fat, for it means you are nourished. 

I didn’t choose to be skinny. I didn’t choose to be sick. 

Do you want to trade bodies now, knowing what you know about mine?

I didn’t think so. 

Before you express jealousy of my body, first consider why I might be skinny.