Airplane mode

I’ve found that it’s best to put my phone on the mode that matches my mood. When my mind books a flight, I put my phone on airplane mode. I’ve been really “flighty” lately. My brain is as foggy as a plane mid-cloud. I can’t wait to land and be grounded again. But I haven’t descended yet. I’m still up in the air, and so is my mental health. In the meantime, I have to be honest about how I feel. Pretending skies are clear is only detrimental. It robs me of my truth and gives others a false sense of my reality. Passengers want to know when there’s turbulence, just as my loved ones want to know there’s a problem. I am like a passenger on a plane. I don’t know exactly where I am, my concept of time is distorted, and my sleep/wake cycles are off. The lights are on and it’s noisy while I’m trying to rest. I’m confined to a small space because I can’t drive. I don’t catch every instruction the pilot gives, like I don’t catch everything my brain tells me to do. My eardrums hurt from the change in elevation. I kind of have to pee, but I’d rather hold it because it’s too much of a hassle to move, even though it will be a while before I reach my destination. I can’t get comfortable, and I kind of don’t want to. I have no contact with the rest of the world right now. Things appear smaller as I travel further away from them. Everything looks blurry. The states we fly over change as quickly as my states of mind. My brain goes on vacation like the people on this flight. But mine was not a warranted trip. There was no itinerary of pleasant activities. There were no sandy beaches to relax upon, blue skies to marvel at, or sunshine to absorb. There were no fun, family-friendly excursions. It was terrifying, isolating, and empty. There was nothing there when I arrived but a blank white wall reflecting fluorescent light. It was sterile scenery like the surroundings of a hospital bed. I dissociate like maps that have gone offline. I become like a plane itself and block out external forces to not get overwhelmed. My ears are sealed shut because the pressure around me is immense. I idle when weight and lift are canceled out, when thrust and drag equal one another. It is incredibly rare for a plane to hang motionless in the air, but it happens. To sustain its flight, it must move forward. This is what I am trying to do, to cut through the wind with my pointed nose. I have enough fuel, but my control center is malfunctioning. I am like a plane about to crash. Mayday! Mayday! May there be a day I touch land again.